We Are Having Serious Problems With Our LazerNet.

Dear Cerberus Security Inc.,

I am writing in regards to the “LazerNet” anti-theft motion sensor system which your company installed in the corridor leading to the Royal Gallery in the museum of which I am curator. We are having serious problems with our LazerNet.

The LazerNet, advertised as the pinnacle of modern security for art and antiquities, has time and time again failed to prevent infiltration to the Royal Gallery by cat burglars, masked bandits and gentleman thieves.

On the first such incident, our security cameras recorded footage of a well-toned female culprit using a variety of yoga poses to avoid detection as she patiently snaked her way through the field of ruby-red beams.


A long-lost painting by Gustav Klimt, which had then been recently rediscovered in the attic of a fugitive Nazi war criminal, was stolen and has yet to resurface.

Some months later, the LazerNet was circumvented by a remote-controlled toy helicopter, which the scoundrel in question had modified to include a retractable claw, much like the machines found at children’s restaurants and arcades to retrieve plush toys. The museum was relieved of an Ancient Maori idol, a skull carved from solid jade that according to legend holds supernatural powers. We can only hope that it has not fallen into the wrong hands.

ImageThe most recent incident involved a masked rogue employing the use of urban street dancing techniques to evade the spider web of laser beams. The thief absconded with a priceless Black Opal brooch worn by Queen Elizabeth I after having “break danced” his way through the laser field.

Of course, each stolen object was covered by insurance, but the reputation of the museum as a secure venue for special exhibitions is at stake, as several of these security videos have found their way to video sharing sites and accrued massive amounts of internet traffic.

We expect a full refund and removal of the equipment in a timely fashion.

In retrospect, our confidence in the LazerNet system perhaps should have come into question even before the system was in place. Upon placing the order for installation, we were informed that your technicians would arrive between the hours of 10am and 8pm to install the equipment and software. At approximately 11am on the specified day, a team of handsome men in workman’s overalls arrived at the museum claiming to be in your employ, and presented what appeared to be proper credentials. At this point I’m certain the outcome of this anecdote is somewhat academic. That Fabergé Egg may never be seen again.


William Rutherford Banes

Museum Curator


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