Category Archives: Uncategorized

I Fixed All The Names In The Hunger Games

Katniss Katherine Everdeen

Peeta Peter Mellark

Primrose Rose Everdeen

Gale Dale Hawthorne

Heymitch Mitch Abernathy

Finnick Nick Odair

Foxfacexy Brown

Cinna Steven

Effie Effective Trinkett

Seneca Whooping Crane

President Cariolanus Carl Snow Winslow

Plutarch Philip Seymour Heavensbee

Betee Benedict Cumberbatch McGillicuddy

Some Things I Love About My Favorite Shirt

 

I look great in my favorite shirt.

It has the name of the brand right on the front, so people know that I got it at my favorite store.

It has stopping power. People always notice me when I’m wearing my favorite shirt.

I can wear it to any and all clubs, of either the night or country varieties.

I can accessorize with my favorite shirt. Vest, cummerbund, sash, you name it.

It’s dry-clean only, so you know it’s quality.

I can button it halfway up, halfway down or side-to-side, whatever I feel like.

It’s soft on my skin, no need to wear an undershirt.

The hood keeps my hair dry when it rains.

The microfiber-sheep’s wool blend keeps me cool in the summer and warm in the winter.

Whether tucked, untucked or tied on the side into a crop-top, its shape remains consistently trapezoidal.

The toggle buttons are made of 100% pure bison hoof.

The gold-lace shoulder pads make me look distinguished.

It has 46 pockets for maximum utility.

It accentuates my athletic elbows.

The LED lights are perfect for when it’s time to party, or for a pickup game of B-ball.

The hand-crafted leather tassels are 3 feet long.

There’s a tube that I can blow into to inflate it, in case I’m on a ship and fall overboard.

It has a built-in dock for my tablet.

The reflective stripes keeps me safe from cars on the road at night.

It’s reversible.

The sleeves zip off when it gets too hot in here, if you know what I mean.

The steel girders keep my posture true.

It has exactly the right amount of ruffles.

It weighs over 18 pounds.

I saw a picture of Johnny Depp wearing it the other day. He’s my favorite actor.

I got it on sale.

Dreamworks Animation Elevator Pitches

A teacup pig that wants to be a butler.

A sloth that wants to be an aerobics instructor in the 1980’s.

A tadpole that wants to be a flag pole.

A horsefly that wants to be a horse.

A sea horse that wants to be the sea.

A horse that used to be a horsefly that now wants to be a unicorn.

A narwhal that would rather people not refer to it as “The Unicorn of the Sea” anymore.

A black-eyed pea that would settle for really just about any other vegetable.

A rhinoceros’s right foot that wants to be a rhinoceros’s horn.

A monkey POW that wants to escape from Germany.

A Sasquatch that wants to be a UFO.

A squid that wants to be a pen.

A fax machine that wants to be an iPhone.

A monkfish that has lost its faith.

NEW JACK JOHNSON ALBUM COVER FEATURES CONTROVERSIAL PICTURE OF BEACH.

In a brazen move that has shocked the world of music and people worldwide, singer/songwriter/charlatan Jack Johnson has released a new album of laid-back acoustic tunes featuring a lascivious photo of an ocean view at dusk. The unseemly photo in question also features an inexplicably free-standing acoustic guitar, protruding from the album’s cover as a chilling reminder of the easygoing and ribald content therein.

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Though the nefarious troubadour declined to comment, sources close to the aptly-named Johnson say that the constant and desperate pleas of those around him to choose a less risky image fell upon deaf ears. “It’s all good, man” insisted the super-chill balladeer, presumably at knife-point.

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Since the album’s release, the socio-politically charged cover “art” has spawned a multitude of protests from extremist groups and concerned parents alike. “What I worry about is the children,” said Mary-Sue-Ellen-Lynn Bakersmith, picketing outside a Starbucks in Toledo, Ohio which sells the music of the Beast next to the register. “What are kids going to think? That life is all about hacky-sack and jamming out to crunchy tunes? With their bare feet in the sand and a string of shells around their neck? Like some sort of Corona beers advertisement? I don’t think so.” She then added “I mean, come on,” as she lit herself on fire in protest.

More as this story mellows out.

Google is coming out with a music-streaming service and it has a really dumb name.

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Google. Search juggernaut. Purveyor of information, street views, topical doodles and re-teamings of Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson. Soon to be launching what they describe as a “Spotify Killer.” Are we really ready for this though? After all, we’re still recovering from the trauma and aftermath of when they unleashed the notorious Facebook Killer known as Google+ #neverforget

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This is also coming right off the heels of Twitter launching its own music, uh… thing. Which was collectively met with the internet’s equivalent to the Fail Trombone from The Price is Right.

Will Google’s version turn out to be better at music Plinko? Does anyone still watch the Price is Right now that Bob Barker is gone? So far we don’t know very much about Google’s new music streaming service, other than what we already know about Spotify. And that it will have “Radio without rules.” The CIA’s top code-breakers are still attempting to decipher the meaning of of this phrase.

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The one thing that we now know for sure is what this thing is called, and it is called this:

 GOOGLE PLAY MUSIC ALL ACCESS

 A confidential source inside Google’s R&D department has revealed that the name was chosen after seeing their top-secret unfrozen caveman (who they affectionately named Google) play drums while screaming “GOOGLE WANT DANCE! GOOGLE PLAY MUSIC!” The ALL ACCESS part was added later because they thought the name wasn’t long enough or caveman-y enough.

 Google Play Music All Access is a stupid name. It is five words. It sort of but also doesn’t sound like a sentence. It’s exhausting just typing it. There are infinity names that are better than Google Play Music All Access and here are just a few for your consideration.

 Google Hot Jives Cool Grooves

Google Music Be the Food of Love Play On

Google Toe-Tappin’ Diddies

Google La Múthica

Google Madrigals

Google Melodies & Harmonies & Also Instruments

Google Snap Your Fingers To The Beat That’s It You Got It

Robert Googlé

Google Cha Cha Real Smooth

Google Radio Without Rules (They were so close on this one)

Google Unfrozen Caveman Sunglasses Drums Skateboard

Google Guy At The Party With An Acoustic Guitar

Googapella

Google Neat Notes

Google Sonic Sounds of Sound

Google Whatever Shut Up

Google Total Hegemonic Control Over the Internet

gTunes


See? Naming things. So easy, a person who’s seen Encino Man can do it. I’m looking forward to fiddling with Google Play Music All Access when it actually comes out and making more jokes about it. But who knows, it may be awesome. Until then, be sure to add me to one of your circles on Google+.

We Are Having Serious Problems With Our LazerNet.

Dear Cerberus Security Inc.,

I am writing in regards to the “LazerNet” anti-theft motion sensor system which your company installed in the corridor leading to the Royal Gallery in the museum of which I am curator. We are having serious problems with our LazerNet.

The LazerNet, advertised as the pinnacle of modern security for art and antiquities, has time and time again failed to prevent infiltration to the Royal Gallery by cat burglars, masked bandits and gentleman thieves.

On the first such incident, our security cameras recorded footage of a well-toned female culprit using a variety of yoga poses to avoid detection as she patiently snaked her way through the field of ruby-red beams.

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A long-lost painting by Gustav Klimt, which had then been recently rediscovered in the attic of a fugitive Nazi war criminal, was stolen and has yet to resurface.

Some months later, the LazerNet was circumvented by a remote-controlled toy helicopter, which the scoundrel in question had modified to include a retractable claw, much like the machines found at children’s restaurants and arcades to retrieve plush toys. The museum was relieved of an Ancient Maori idol, a skull carved from solid jade that according to legend holds supernatural powers. We can only hope that it has not fallen into the wrong hands.

ImageThe most recent incident involved a masked rogue employing the use of urban street dancing techniques to evade the spider web of laser beams. The thief absconded with a priceless Black Opal brooch worn by Queen Elizabeth I after having “break danced” his way through the laser field.

Of course, each stolen object was covered by insurance, but the reputation of the museum as a secure venue for special exhibitions is at stake, as several of these security videos have found their way to video sharing sites and accrued massive amounts of internet traffic.

We expect a full refund and removal of the equipment in a timely fashion.

In retrospect, our confidence in the LazerNet system perhaps should have come into question even before the system was in place. Upon placing the order for installation, we were informed that your technicians would arrive between the hours of 10am and 8pm to install the equipment and software. At approximately 11am on the specified day, a team of handsome men in workman’s overalls arrived at the museum claiming to be in your employ, and presented what appeared to be proper credentials. At this point I’m certain the outcome of this anecdote is somewhat academic. That Fabergé Egg may never be seen again.

Regards,

William Rutherford Banes

Museum Curator

Samuel L. Jackson Live-Tweeted the Superbowl And Spelled M**********r 5 Awesome Ways.


The Pulp Fiction and Deep Blue Sea star took to Twitter during America’s most-watched television event and explored several different ways to phonetically spell his Oedipal catchphrase, including some very creative uses of the letter “P.” Through a detailed analysis one could deduce that each spelling is based on one of Sam’s many spectacular characters.

1. The Jules Winfield (Pulp Fiction)

2. The Carl Lee Hailey (A Time To Kill)

3. The Ray Arnold (Jurassic Park)

 4. The Neville Flynn (Snakes On A Plane)

5. The Lazarus (Black Snake Moan)

He also tweeted this, most likely while watching Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace to pass the time during the blackout.