Google. Search juggernaut. Purveyor of information, street views, topical doodles and re-teamings of Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson. Soon to be launching what they describe as a “Spotify Killer.” Are we really ready for this though? After all, we’re still recovering from the trauma and aftermath of when they unleashed the notorious Facebook Killer known as Google+ #neverforget
This is also coming right off the heels of Twitter launching its own music, uh… thing. Which was collectively met with the internet’s equivalent to the Fail Trombone from The Price is Right.
Will Google’s version turn out to be better at music Plinko? Does anyone still watch the Price is Right now that Bob Barker is gone? So far we don’t know very much about Google’s new music streaming service, other than what we already know about Spotify. And that it will have “Radio without rules.” The CIA’s top code-breakers are still attempting to decipher the meaning of of this phrase.
The one thing that we now know for sure is what this thing is called, and it is called this:
GOOGLE PLAY MUSIC ALL ACCESS
A confidential source inside Google’s R&D department has revealed that the name was chosen after seeing their top-secret unfrozen caveman (who they affectionately named Google) play drums while screaming “GOOGLE WANT DANCE! GOOGLE PLAY MUSIC!” The ALL ACCESS part was added later because they thought the name wasn’t long enough or caveman-y enough.
Google Play Music All Access is a stupid name. It is five words. It sort of but also doesn’t sound like a sentence. It’s exhausting just typing it. There are infinity names that are better than Google Play Music All Access and here are just a few for your consideration.
Google Hot Jives Cool Grooves
Google Music Be the Food of Love Play On
Google Toe-Tappin’ Diddies
Google La Múthica
Google Melodies & Harmonies & Also Instruments
Google Snap Your Fingers To The Beat That’s It You Got It
Google Cha Cha Real Smooth
Google Radio Without Rules (They were so close on this one)
Google Unfrozen Caveman Sunglasses Drums Skateboard
Google Guy At The Party With An Acoustic Guitar
Google Neat Notes
Google Sonic Sounds of Sound
Google Whatever Shut Up
Google Total Hegemonic Control Over the Internet
See? Naming things. So easy, a person who’s seen Encino Man can do it. I’m looking forward to fiddling with Google Play Music All Access when it actually comes out and making more jokes about it. But who knows, it may be awesome. Until then, be sure to add me to one of your circles on Google+.