Tag Archives: music

Google is coming out with a music-streaming service and it has a really dumb name.

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Google. Search juggernaut. Purveyor of information, street views, topical doodles and re-teamings of Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson. Soon to be launching what they describe as a “Spotify Killer.” Are we really ready for this though? After all, we’re still recovering from the trauma and aftermath of when they unleashed the notorious Facebook Killer known as Google+ #neverforget

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This is also coming right off the heels of Twitter launching its own music, uh… thing. Which was collectively met with the internet’s equivalent to the Fail Trombone from The Price is Right.

Will Google’s version turn out to be better at music Plinko? Does anyone still watch the Price is Right now that Bob Barker is gone? So far we don’t know very much about Google’s new music streaming service, other than what we already know about Spotify. And that it will have “Radio without rules.” The CIA’s top code-breakers are still attempting to decipher the meaning of of this phrase.

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The one thing that we now know for sure is what this thing is called, and it is called this:

 GOOGLE PLAY MUSIC ALL ACCESS

 A confidential source inside Google’s R&D department has revealed that the name was chosen after seeing their top-secret unfrozen caveman (who they affectionately named Google) play drums while screaming “GOOGLE WANT DANCE! GOOGLE PLAY MUSIC!” The ALL ACCESS part was added later because they thought the name wasn’t long enough or caveman-y enough.

 Google Play Music All Access is a stupid name. It is five words. It sort of but also doesn’t sound like a sentence. It’s exhausting just typing it. There are infinity names that are better than Google Play Music All Access and here are just a few for your consideration.

 Google Hot Jives Cool Grooves

Google Music Be the Food of Love Play On

Google Toe-Tappin’ Diddies

Google La Múthica

Google Madrigals

Google Melodies & Harmonies & Also Instruments

Google Snap Your Fingers To The Beat That’s It You Got It

Robert Googlé

Google Cha Cha Real Smooth

Google Radio Without Rules (They were so close on this one)

Google Unfrozen Caveman Sunglasses Drums Skateboard

Google Guy At The Party With An Acoustic Guitar

Googapella

Google Neat Notes

Google Sonic Sounds of Sound

Google Whatever Shut Up

Google Total Hegemonic Control Over the Internet

gTunes


See? Naming things. So easy, a person who’s seen Encino Man can do it. I’m looking forward to fiddling with Google Play Music All Access when it actually comes out and making more jokes about it. But who knows, it may be awesome. Until then, be sure to add me to one of your circles on Google+.

Frank Sinatra Predicts The Apocalypse

Forget your troubles and just get happy

You’d better chase all your cares away

Sing Hallelujah c’mon get happy

Get ready for the judgment day.

Whoa. Say what, Frank? Those lyrics in that first stanza, though lively and upbeat, seem a bit foreboding. Why should I forget my troubles? I happen to have a lot on my plate right now, a lot of important things that I need to be taking care of. You’re saying I should just drop everything like a red-hot meteorite that just fell from the sky into my back yard, pulsing with gamma radiation and space herpes? Frankly Frank, it’s just not that simple my friend. I’m not going to chase all my cares away just because you tell me to in a song that really swings. Why, the only reason I would chase all my cares away is if the Earth was heading towards some sort of cataclysmic event that would kill every living thing on the planet. Is that what you’re saying? What do you know Frank? What is it that you’re not telling me? All this talk of getting ready for judgment day is putting me on high alert. And since you won’t be more specific, I’m going to have to prepare myself for a medley of apocalyptic horrors.

 

Don't look at me like that, baby.

The sun is shinin’ c’mon get happy

The Lord is waitin’ to take you by the hand

Sing Hallelujah c’mon get happy

We’re goin’ to the promise land

“The sun is shining.” Okay, I can only assume that means from this doom-laden lyric means that the end will come at the next solar eclipse. And stop telling me to get happy, okay? You can’t tell me what to do. You’re not the boss of me. I’m so very scared right now, Frank. You’re saying that I should just sit back on a plastic patio chair with a bottle of Jameson and your hit record “Songs For Young Lovers/Swing Easy” and just watch quietly as the dead walk or the UFO’s land or the bombs fall or the machines rise. Well I can’t do that, Frank. I will fight till my last dying breath, and I will use that breath to croon your classic anthem “My Way,” because that’s how I’m going to handle the apocalypse. You just don’t get it, Frank. We are going to the promise land. But it isn’t Heaven or Hell or Purgatory or Valhalla or Chucky Cheese’s. I will lead my merry band of survivors to a place that has been untouched by this war or death or pestilence or famine. We’ll build a new world, Frank. You’ll see.

We’re headin’ cross the river

Wash your sins away in the tide

It’s all so nice and peaceful

On the other side

Yes. I’m prepared to do terrible things during this apocalypse, Frank. I’ll tear a robot’s still ticking hydrogen fuel cell straight out of his chest and shove it up a vampire’s ass. I’ll put a shark in Titan’s cereal bowl. I’ll choke a giant with a bean stalk and laugh while I eat his porridge. I’ll cut the horse off a centaur. I’ll publicly humiliate anyone who collaborates with the alien overlords. And when my time comes to pay Charon the boatman two Drachmas to ferry me across the river Styx, I’ll cross into the netherworld knowing that I did what I had to do to give mankind a fighting chance in this nightmare that has become planet earth.

Forget your troubles and just get happy

You’d better chase all your cares away

Sing Hallelujah c’mon get happy

Get ready for the judgment day.

I’m ready, Frank, you velvety-voiced harbinger of destruction. Let’s do this. I’ve got my patio chair, my bottle of Jameson, a copy of “Songs For Young Lovers/Swing Easy,” and a shotgun, a crow bar and whole lot of moxie. Should be any minute now. So, while we’re waiting here for the ruination, what’s the deal with that slash in the album title? Each side of an LP doesn’t need it’s own name. Is it that you just couldn’t decide which title you liked better, because they were both just so good? And don’t pretend like you don’t already have an album called “Songs for Swinging Lovers,” It seems like you just took that album title, cracked it open like Humpty Dumpty and couldn’t to put it back together again. Slash ain’t word-glue, baby. I appreciate the fact that you wanted to be specific about who these songs were for, while reminding young gentlemen not to be too aggressive when courting young ladies. I myself have benefitted from the advice of this album time and time again, not only heeding the warnings of the impending apocalypse that is literally moments away, but also the sage advice to swing easy with a young lover and to really take it nice and slow, even when the end of the world is imma